I had a bit of a dramatic night out in Freshers' Week, going through my post-break-up stages, and therefore decided it was probably for the best to take a back seat and get my head sorted. No more drinky. I love the stages you're meant to go through. I remember when I was younger and I used to read The Princess Diaries - you have to read it at some point in your life, it's like a ritual for thirteen year old girls, along with all the other Meg Cabot fiction books - and one of the characters used the Kübler-Ross model to help one of the girls along with her break up. This is usually when someone is grieving after the death of someone, so it's all a bit dramatic and a bit over the top, but it definitely has some truth in it. So the stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I'd like to say I've surpassed all these stages and that I'm a super strong person and have completely and utterly moved on. Unfortunately not. Little things like to pop up at really awkward times to remind you of that person, or of things you used to do together. It's cringey and embarrassing, seeing as I used to be flying the anti-relationship flag this time last year.
Angry girly picture.
I want to get back to the stage of getting grossed out when people kiss in public, or when people are intimate together - even holding hands. Now it's more like jealousy. You look at a couple and think, where did I go wrong? Why do I no longer have that? My break-up wasn't bitter, that's the thing. It was mutual and was definitely for the best. When feelings aren't the same, what's the point in carrying on? It's time to walk out with your head held high and not watch the leftover parts of the relationship crumble around you. It's sad when you see people trying their hardest to make something work, because it genuinely did work once upon a time, but because the people in that situation have changed it's no longer is possible. Watch Like Crazy - it's a prime example of this. It's also one of my favourite films. I'll chat about it at some point.
I blame summer.
Growing up and shaping yourself is what is happening right now. You're becoming the person you're going to be like for the rest of your life. Obviously no one is ever complete; you're never a made-up person whose personality is defined one hundred percent, but you're going to be acting similarly until the day you die. You're making the foundations for the rest of your life. Especially if you go to university. Not just because I do, but because it's the stage in your life when you've left home (but you're still kind of in limbo, to-ing and fro-ing from home life) and you're becoming that little bit more independent. You're discovering yourself. I feel like I know myself a lot more than a couple of years ago. I am happier with myself, I know what kind of girl I am and I know what I want to do with my life, for the most part.
I was talking about relationships wasn't I?
Back to Kübler-Ross. I've definitely got past the angry stage. I know that for a fact. And I've kind of accepted it, too. I want to be friends, and not friends with a hidden agenda; just genuine friends. He's a good guy, and he deserves a lot of recognition to come his way soon. I don't hate him. I don't even dislike him. I want what's best. Maybe I am properly growing up after all?
That was pretty deep. Now I'm going to go get dressed and maybe eat some more porridge. Oh, and get ready for lectures - almost forgot about that one... Sitting here in my dressing gown on my rug isn't getting anything done, apart from giving me an incredibly achey bottom. Numb bum!
Sorry this was all a bit mish-mash but I wanted to get it out. I know I sound like a proper moaney-pot, but sometimes you just need to get things off your chest, right?
Big love, and keep smiling, whatever happens. The world deserves to see that cheeky little grin of yours! xo