I'm not going to lie, I am constantly assessing how I look. I can sometimes go days without checking anything but my face in the mirror, but other times the mirror is necessary. I take off my pyjamas rather gingerly and look at myself naked, standing to the side and rubbing my stomach, worrying myself over whether it is bloated, or sticking out more than usual, or just fat in general. It's the pressure of society, I think. I constantly feel the need to look slim, as if people are judging my personality on how much I weigh.
It's kind of disgusting if you think about it.
People shouldn't be judged on just how they look, but sadly first impressions are mainly based on how you're dressed, if you're smiling, and of course, how chubby you are looking. That's if you're shallow of course. I sincerely hope the entire world is not like this.
If anyone mocks my weight, or makes a negative comment about it, it plunges me into a state of despair. I'm getting better at that now though. Baby steps, that's what it is. My idea of a big achievement is having three meals a day, plus snacks. I feel so healthy, I feel so proud of myself.
You see, I used to be really bad with my eating. To the point where medical advice was involved. I'm not going to discuss it too deeply, as I do feel like it reaches the undesirable point of being too public on the world wide web, but if anyone wants to chat to me about it, feel free. I'm just one of many that do end up succumbing to the pressure of the media image. I was obsessed, to put it bluntly. After putting on a lot of weight about two years ago, I made drastic changes to my diet and kind of abused my body. It's hideous now to think about, because it only served to change my personality, making me someone I wasn't particularly keen on. I was snappy, I had a lot of mood swings, I saw a different person in the mirror. I think we all have an element of body dysmorphia within us, however I think that some people are more susceptible than others to take that to the extreme. It's frustrating to know that everyone around you is seeing something different to your own eyes. You feel deceived, annoyed. Stuck. It's a difficult spiral, and you head down and down until something, or someone stops you.
Thankfully I did have that something to stop me. I was intent on helping myself, as I was beginning to become repulsed with what I was doing. But you realise that you can't do it all on your own, no matter how strong you may think you are, or no matter how proud you are (asking for help is not a weakness). I had that little push from others around me; my family, my friends, my boyfriend at the time. It all pushed me to be 'normal' again. I'm good now, I'm really good. Took it's time, but I'm there. And I'm so ridiculously proud of myself.
Happiness is the goal. Not being thin. Being thin might make you look good, but do you feel good as well? Starvation isn't a valid dieting method. Nor is any other form of bodily harm. Because that's what it is, isn't it? It's playing around with your insides, tricking them and pushing them to their limits.
My housemate is very diet-conscious at the moment even though I think she is stunning, and doesn't need to lose the weight. She's trying weird methods for fast weight loss. I don't believe in that though.
Stick to a gym plan. Go for runs if not. Eat sensibly. You're allowed to stuff your face with chocolate if you want to, just make sure you eat well the next day. Don't succumb to the constant temptation of takeaways. I'm not going to lie, but I would say my willpower has been pushed and pulled to almost breaking point over the past year or so. Resisting is what I have to do. It's something that works. Even if I do go on a carb-party with my cupboard, I know that all I need to do is make sure I eat a little less the next day, or maybe go for a mega cardio session in the gym, sweating it all out. It's about balance.
This post didn't have much structure, it was more an overflow; everything inside is bubbling out in little bits, not necessarily in the right order or even worded the right way.
Beth Ditto of The Gossip - She's amazing, she won't change for anyone.
All I'm trying to say is - it's not all about how thin you are. Curvy is the way forward. I think those women are the most beautiful, as they're full of energy and glowing, not crippled with hunger and pale as a sheet. Also. Think about it next time you insult someone weight-wise. You could be doing a whole lot more damage than you realise.
Model-like gap between your legs? I'd rather a pot of Ben and Jerry's, please.
Big love, xo